So, I'm back in the gym full force now, but only after completely losing it. I mean after most of the workouts I've done over the last month I've gotten in my car, driven around the corner, parked and cried my eyes out. I didn't think that I'd ever get back to where I was before my surgery. I'm still not back completely. I still am not cleared to do any crunching motion which means my ab workouts are limited to things like flutter kicks and planks. I finally can snatch 85 lbs again which is a huge break through for me. And I'm almost back to my normal pace running. It's been a long road. June 1st will be 6 months post surgery, and I'm JUST feeling close to normal.
I've learned so much about myself through CrossFit and this surgery.
1. I'm stronger than I thought I was. Mentally and physically.
My life has been no picnic. When all of the things that you use as outlets are taken away, and you suffer from depression and anxiety, you are forced to face YOURSELF. I had to find a way to be happy with myself and love myself without using CF as my sole outlet. I had to let go of some major hurt and pain and open up my mind to the life I have in front of me. Accepting who I am and realizing that I'm a beautiful person. Ladies and gentlemen, that is REAL.
I HAD NO IDEA how weak I would be after surgery. I had read blogs and talked to people who were working out 2 weeks post surgery. I could barely stand up after two weeks, let alone do a burpee. That was discouraging, but I learned to listen closely to my body. I learned the difference between pain from working hard and pain from hurting yourself. I learned that sometimes setting boundaries for yourself is a good thing and will make you stronger in the long run. (this applies to every day life as well)
2. I learned that it's okay to be just me.
I've always come off as a "what you see is what you get" type person. Now I actually am that person. I finally feel like I can love me, and if someone doesn't love me it's perfectly okay. Because at the end of the day, when I look in that mirror, I'm the person that I see. No one else is there. I am stunning, beautiful, strong, independent...ME.
3. I am an inspiration to my son.
I want my son to be active and healthy. He loves coming to the gym with me and watching me lift. He'll even mimic my movement with PVC pipe. He's a little crossfitter at heart. I love that. I love that he respects me. I love that he is inspired by me, and I LOVE that he's such and amazing and beautiful little person. He's he best thing that's ever happened to me.
4. I inspire other people.
The fact that I have chosen to tell people about my surgery draws a lot of questions. When I explain how difficult it was to come back I don't know if everyone really understands. I was in A LOT of pain. Seriously holding back tears through workouts. Coming home and falling into depression, but coming out on the other side even more determined than ever. People see that and they respect it. You don't have to lift the heaviest weight or be the fastest. You just have to DO IT. Just show up, and you'll amaze yourself.
I'm so thankful for the gym that I go to! All of the folks at CrossFit City of Athletes who have cheered me through a workout, Debbie for letting me cry or complain about my pain and encouraging me the whole way, and especially the Saturday workout crew, you all have helped me pull through this. I love and appreciate each one of you, and when I move I'm going to miss you so much! Thank you for helping move to this next level in my life. I feel so thankful!
So here I am, just shy of the 6 month mark. I feel good and I'm gonna keep pushing because that's all I know how to do! CrossFit. Ride or die.
