The other side of the tummy tuck...

So, I'm back in the gym full force now, but only after completely losing it. I mean after most of the workouts I've done over the last month I've gotten in my car, driven around the corner, parked and cried my eyes out. I didn't think that I'd ever get back to where I was before my surgery. I'm still not back completely. I still am not cleared to do any crunching motion which means my ab workouts are limited to things like flutter kicks and planks. I finally can snatch 85 lbs again which is a huge break through for me. And I'm almost back to my normal pace running. It's been a long road. June 1st will be 6 months post surgery, and I'm JUST feeling close to normal.

I've learned so much about myself through CrossFit and this surgery.

1. I'm stronger than I thought I was. Mentally and physically. 

My life has been no picnic. When all of the things that you use as outlets are taken away, and you suffer from depression and anxiety, you are forced to face YOURSELF. I had to find a way to be happy with myself and love myself without using CF as my sole outlet. I had to let go of some major hurt and pain and open up my mind to the life I have in front of me. Accepting who I am and realizing that I'm a beautiful person. Ladies and gentlemen, that is REAL.

I HAD NO IDEA how weak I would be after surgery. I had read blogs and talked to people who were working out 2 weeks post surgery. I could barely stand up after two weeks, let alone do a burpee. That was discouraging, but I learned to listen closely to my body. I learned the difference between pain from working hard and pain from hurting yourself. I learned that sometimes setting boundaries for yourself is a good thing and will make you stronger in the long run. (this applies to every day life as well)

2. I learned that it's okay to be just me. 

I've always come off as a "what you see is what you get" type person. Now I actually am that person. I finally feel like I can love me, and if someone doesn't love me it's perfectly okay. Because at the end of the day, when I look in that mirror, I'm the person that I see. No one else is there. I am stunning, beautiful, strong, independent...ME.

3. I am an inspiration to my son.

I want my son to be active and healthy. He loves coming to the gym with me and watching me lift. He'll even mimic my movement with PVC pipe. He's a little crossfitter at heart. I love that. I love that he respects me. I love that he is inspired by me, and I LOVE that he's such and amazing and beautiful little person. He's he best thing that's ever happened to me.

4. I inspire other people.

The fact that I have chosen to tell people about my surgery draws a lot of questions. When I explain how difficult it was to come back I don't know if everyone really understands. I was in A LOT of pain. Seriously holding back tears through workouts. Coming home and falling into depression, but coming out on the other side even more determined than ever. People see that and they respect it. You don't have to lift the heaviest weight or be the fastest. You just have to DO IT. Just show up, and you'll amaze yourself.

I'm so thankful for the gym that I go to! All of the folks at CrossFit City of Athletes who have cheered me through a workout, Debbie for letting me cry or complain about my pain and encouraging me the whole way, and especially the Saturday workout crew, you all have helped me pull through this. I love and appreciate each one of you, and when I move I'm going to miss you so much! Thank you for helping move to this next level in my life. I feel so thankful!

So here I am, just shy of the 6 month mark. I feel good and I'm gonna keep pushing because that's all I know how to do! CrossFit. Ride or die.

Time to come clean...

So it's been several months since I've written a blog. Mostly because I'm completely swamped with life. And...I've been laid up. On January 2, 2013 I finally did something I've wanted to do for a very long time. I went back and forth about it, and even hid it from my family members. Okay, so, I had a tummy tuck. Cat's out of the bag.

I'm sure most of you are thinking I'm insane, or a hypocrite, or even lazy. Or, possibly that I don't love myself or my body as much as I say. I'm here to tell you that all of those things are far from the truth. I decided to do this for SARAH CARTER. No one else. After having my son it took a very long time for me to get back to my pre-baby weight. For me it took almost 3 years, and then I struggled to maintain. When I discovered CrossFit, it completely changed my life, but it also highlighted a major area that I wanted to repair. My stomach.

Now, I will spare posting photos because I have a tendency to attract weirdos, and I have coworkers who read my blog. I can be incredibly descriptive though...

My tummy looked like Freddie Kruger's face. I mean straight up like something out of a horror movie. I hated how it looked. It didn't matter how much exercise I did. It would not get any better. So, I started looking into abdominoplasty. First of all, this is MAJOR surgery. It's not like having your wisdom teeth out or a mole removed. They slice open your stomach, seperate your skin from the membrane that covers your muscle, sew your muscle together, then glue and sew you closed. (I know you like my "non-medical" description). I mean I was really scared. Not to mention the fact that they put you out. I battled with myself. A lot. I thought about my husband and son, and if something happened to me what would they do. I though about if there was a mistake and I ended up being mutilated. I thought about the cost, and if it was really worth it. I thought about what people would think of me. There were so many things weighing on my mind. Reality is, I had done my research, found a great surgeon, and talked it over with my husband. It was a go.

So, the night before the surgery they had me take Xanax to relax. They also told me to take one in the morning, so when I got to the surgery center I was high as a kite! I can honestly say that I was VERY relaxed. Now, obviously it is completely strange to be standing in your underwear letting someone draw all over your stomach...well...at least for me it was. :-/ After the surgeon outlined where he'd be cutting they took me in to the surgery room, had me lay down on a heated table, and I was out. The surgery went well, and when I woke up. The nurses were like, "do you want to look at it before we wrap you up." All I kept asking was, "Did I snore?"and "Sure, I'll look at it." Then the WORST part happened. They put on the binder. When I moved I thought for sure that I was gonna split open. I mean for real. I kept cursing loudly (which I later apologized to the nurse for), but I have never felt this kind of fire before. It was horrible.

When we got home, I took my meds and passed out asleep. I basically slept on the couch propped up for two weeks and watched the entire series of weeds. The first time I looked at my stomach I was mortified. What had I done to myself?? I couldn't stand up straight. I had drains on both of my hips, and I COULDN'T GO TO CROSSFIT! But it was done, so all I could do was try to heal.

I went back to the CrossFit gym after 4 weeks. I felt okay, but as soon as I started working out I knew it was too soon. The doctor had cleared me for exercise, but I couldn't even do the most basic move. That's when the real frustration set in. After my first workout back I went and sat in my car and cried. My vanity had taken over. I was so angry at myself, and had no way to purge my emotions. That's what CrossFit was for me. It kept me stable. I got the tummy tuck to get my pretty brown stomach back. Well, I got it...


(to be continued)